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Hi personfriend,
before you get into this story, I want to tell you the end. The end is: keep going. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. I promise, healing is possible and in all likelihood, it’s already happening even if all you’re aware of is the hurt. The end of this story is that this story wasn’t the end. So if you need a story that reminds you that this isn’t the end, this one is for you. I love you.

CW: Complex Trauma, Suicide

It’s been just over a year since the car accident that changed my life.

So right about now is when I thought I’d be planning to die.

I didn’t tell anyone, but about a month into my brain injury, I made a deal with myself that I only had to make it through a year and set everyone up for success, and then I didn’t have to be alive anymore if I didn’t want to.

I knew better than to tell anyone. I said “It’s bad.” And “I’m scared,” and “I think there is no point in living but I also think that injured brains have unreliable thoughts.” But the only way I could deal with the all-consuming void of my injury, which was itself at the end of 2 years of chaos, was to promise that I would allow myself anything I needed, once I’d recovered enough to take care of anyone else.

A quick summary of the 2 years before the car crash. (TL;DR telenovela writers would have rejected this script for being too unreasonably dramatic, redundant even).

My uncle died. My dad entered a long and dramatic end-of-life and then he died. People were, in general, incredibly shitty to me about his death. I got disowned. I had a surgery that was very badly botched but I spent six months being gaslit by the surgeon about my results. Then, I realized my husband was an abusing alcohol (and you can guess how shitty things had to be for that to happen) and I had to kick him out for him to choose to get help. While dealing with that, I had a cancer-scare (like a very scary, family-history-related one), had to extricate myself from an abusive academic program after fighting all semester for student rights, and a very close family member suicided. Another close person was abandoned by their abusive spouse, my profession lost it’s credibility (to me) and I had to figure out what to do with it. Some friend shit got weird, I was left out of a Big Life Event due to homophobia, and we were almost a year into the US experience of covid, during which I was an essential worker/healthcare provider. I dated some people who were EXTRAORDINARILY bad at doing their own emotional and intellectual labor, got dumped via text, and my hair started falling out.

And yet, in all this, I felt strong. I felt proud. I took every hit with a “Fuck you, you won’t take me down,” attitude. I honestly did so, so many good things. What didn’t kill me didn’t make me stronger, but I did. I had never had better boundaries or a clearer sense of who I was, where I was going, or how I’d get there. I believed every problem was either solvable (in which case I’d solve it) or survivable.

Then, one Sunday afternoon I chose to take myself to get a treat, and a woman whose brakes went out ran into my car without ever having slowed down.

The car was fixed in 2 days. I wasn’t seen by a doctor (other than the ER) for over a month.

I had thought, previously, that I’d lost everything I could possibly lose. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’d clawed my way out of several hells. I felt, in certain ways, invincible because all The Worst Things people can imagine, I’d dealt with. What I’d forgotten to take into account was that while I’d been snatched away from myself many times and come back, I’d also since built myself into more. I was more me than ever. Which meant I had more to lose.

I can’t make any statements about if things could be worse in some distant future. I don’t want to think about it. Forgive my deficits but there are still many things I handle by putting them on a shelf to be slowly and methodically exposed during future therapy. Some day, I will process all the parts of this pain. But I won’t demand that I do that any faster than my eldest-daughter tendencies already demand.

Here is what I can tell you about that time. The dark time. I can tell you that I was fierce and impressive. Every doctor I saw commented on how hard I was working, how much I was doing, and one even said, “It is unjust that in this much distress, you have to be the strongest you’ve ever been. But that is the only way people heal from what you’re going through. The people who don’t get their abilities back are the ones who don’t have this fight in them.”

I was a championship fighter, but I can also tell you, I wasn’t fighting for me.

Very early on, I had an overwhelming calm thinking of not being alive anymore. I wasn’t desperate to hurt myself. I was just sure that if I stayed in the condition I was, I was not willing to participate.

I also had the overwhelming knowledge of my professional training and personal experience screaming at me, saying “INJURED BRAINS DON’T MAKE RELIABLE DECISIONS.” So I didn’t make a decision, I made a plan. My plan was: ensure that everyone will be taken care of if I’m not around. And once that is done, re-evaluate.

So I fought, tooth-and-nail, for everyone else, knowing that once I made all the plans and arrangements, I could figure out a way to go that wasn’t unduly traumatic for the people in my life. There’s not a person who knows me, who really knows me, who doubts I could have done it. I’m not going to discuss how I imagined it, I just told myself, “Make the resources. Get the will. Prepare an emergency plan for people to follow so that clients are not left without a helper. Do everything you can, absolutely everything, to try and avoid this end. And once you’ve done your best, if you still want it, you can have it.”

Most days, for almost 8 months, I had this thought quietly in the back of my mind. “I have to do X because Y will happen if I’m not around, and it needs to be planned for.” And everything that would make my people set up for success in my absence, also happened to help secure my presence.

I’m not that deep. I didn’t mean for to trick myself into healing-hyperdrive. It’s just that in the deepest darkest trenches, I was full of compassionate thoughts for others. I knew didn’t want anyone to go through an ounce of what I was. And they were. No one was okay. No one is okay. Everyone in my life is a scraggly ragamuffin doing their best and looking worse for wear. I thought, “A very lot of people will be in a very lot of pain if I don’t get better, do better, and keep getting up..”

So I did. When I had no hope, I had an iron will of “I will not make this worse on others.” I was so. goddman. determined. It was exhausting. I was not gentle on myself, I was constantly, quietly plotting. I would ironically have healed better, faster, if I were gentler but I didn’t have the ability to be gentle and keep going. I was noticing every area where relationships could be better. Patching up every hole I had access to. I had family meetings, demanded that people say what they need and that others take those needs seriously. I saw clients for months in a dark room, wearing dark sunglasses and a migraine ice-packet-hat. I broke the vow to never stay in a situation where I had to beg, and I begged for my humanity to be seen by drs and lawyers and relatives. I begged for them to give me a chance to not devastate my loved ones. I took advantage of every available resources and made accessible every resource I had available for others, and I made an estate plan for all the of the people it’s my role to do that for.

And then, on my birthday, the sun was shining and I was able to be outside in it. My injury took away the sunshine for eight months, but I persisted. So on this day, I’d had a cupcake that didn’t make me sick, and I was able to be in the water, and the sun also didn’t make me sick and I was with my soul twin and my goddaughter and my now-sober and back-home and better-than-ever husband about whom I was no longer worried. And I looked up and I said, “I think this might be the best day of my life. Because I don’t want to be doing anything other than exactly what I am doing.”

And that’s when I knew I’d get better.

To be honest, I know not everyone does. And I know I might not get back all the abilities I had pre-injury. I know I’ll never again be who I was before I lost the ability to trust my own brain or feel at home in my body in such a devastating, swift way. I’ll never be a person who didn’t go through this.

But I know I’m someone I love, and someone who others love and need in the best, most community-oriented ways. I know that I’ll never be grateful this happened, but I also won’t let the violence of it happening keep me from doggedly sucking the marrow out of every moment of life. I know that when “everything” was stripped away, I was still someone I’m proud of and impressed by. I know that my ego is half-dead and I am not interested in reviving it, but that my confidence is newly-forged, on a higher plane and deeper-rooted and I did that. I did it with help, but I did it on my own plan, and I did it on purpose, even if I didn’t do it for me at first.

I know that no one is made better by me getting stuck in the what-ifs. I can answer them. If it had been worse, or longer, or I’d had less help or less fortitude, I’d be dead. I can look that straight in the eye and say, “Yes, that is a reality that could have been mine, but it isn’t, and I will insist on living in and getting everything I can out of the reality that I have.”

I know that I learned several new things while suffering from neuro-cognitive deficits and that while suffering from a burnout so severe that I went completely non-verbal and had to wear my sunglasses at night, I auditioned for and made it into the dance troupe of my dreams. I know that while in a personal shit-show, when people WOULD. NOT. STOP. DYING, I threw a fit until all the stubborn asses in my life put aside their pride and reconnected with each other and everyone got back in therapy and started taking care of each other. I literally yelled “I WILL NOT GO TO ANOTHER FUNERAL AND DEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT. GET IN THE CAR WE ARE GOING TO YOUR MOTHER’S AND FIXING THIS BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DROPS DEAD!” I have thrown, conservatively, all of the fits. I have cried in ALL of the places. I have stuttered and stumbled and gotten stuck in a language I thought I couldn’t speak (brains are so werid). And in my worst moments I was purposeful and fallible, limited and loved, stretched and stressed and still shining even when I couldn’t see.

After having not been sure about anything, and even so newly on this side of the journey, the I-want-to-be-alive side (and not the “I will stay alive so others don’t suffer” side), I feel like a siren and a superstar and a shitty athlete who will need Texas-sized patience to regain whatever strength I can… and will give myself that patience.

I think I’m as committed to me, now, as I was to everyone else a year ago. And with all I did for them, I know I’ll bloom as I continue to do the same for me.

I’m not well but I’m better. I’m not back but I’m moving along. I’m not who I was but I’m who I’m glad to be.

I think that’s not a story, or a part of the story, we often get to hear from the messy middles. Well I couldn’t be a bigger mess but I also couldn’t be more sure that’s okay. So there ya go.

I love you and I love you and…. I know I needed to say this so I hope it is exactly what you needed to read.

Xx,

May-never-again-remember-anyone’s-birthday Tia.

Last winter, Hell froze over. I mean I love Texas in a way that might be sociologically inescapable to all native-born Texans, but given the number of anti-trans bills being pushed through – I think we can comfortably call Texas “hell,” and move on to the Blizzard that knocked out the power and water for most of the state. Hell. Froze. Over.

Just three months later a heatwave moved through and residents were told to turn their air condition off in order to prevent the grid from going down again. People who had yet to get the time and space and safety to recover from the cold that killed hundreds and traumatized the tri-state area were NOT OKAY.

Thankfully, my home has gas appliances and a working fireplace as well as stocked firewood, and I have what my father referred to as “poor people smarts,” which kept us safe if not happy over the week of freezing indoor temps.

But, there were definitely things that could have made it better – so, after months of consumer research, I compiled a list of items I want to have and assembled links to the highest rated/best version of each I could find on Amazon. I intentionally chose Amazon because many disabled and chronically ill people depend on the fast turn around and ease of ordering from just one place, and I want to support those needs. If you don’t want to use Amazon, feel free to use this list as a jumping off point. Where possible, I’ll give points on why/how each item is helpful.

I’m not a survival expert, I’m just a mexibilly who reluctantly reads a lot of reviews and is good at (personal) disaster response.

Go bag (snacks, meds, chargers, extra chones, socks, gloves etc)

Hot water bottles – Last winter I boiled water and put it in double-bagged ziploc gallon bags, and they were a little wiley but incredibly helpful. We put them between a thin shirt and our sweaters (wearing layers on top but having the heat from the water close to our vital organs) and it made a HUGE difference. The science is that the heat close to your chest helps your blood stay warm when it get to your extremities, meaning the fingees and tosies stay cozy. These water bottles are cute (they have their own sweaters) can double as ice packs, and are meant to be filled straight from the tap but if your water doesn’t get hot enough or you’re boiling snow on the stovetop, I’d recommend using funnels to get the water down the spout.

Fire starters – Obviously fire is warm. That’s great. We love that about fire when we are cold. But fire can also be fickle and there’s no need to have an on-call Eagle Scout when your teeth get to chatterin’. These are supposed to be easy to light (i.e. can use your basic “cigarette” lighters) and stay lit long enough for your logs to catch. They’re also an eco-friendlier version that boy scout juice (did you know lighter fluid is called this?!). However, they’re small and you’ll need a few depending on the size of the logs to get an even burn, so this multipack is the one I got. Helpfully, you can use them for barbecues and other stuff, too.

Frewood/cover/rack cover – If you’re lucky enough to have (and unlucky enough to need) a stockpile of firewood, there are two things that are the worst. Number one is not remembering to bring in a few piles for fires you’ll have soon and then only having wet wood when you need it. The second is having it stocked close to the house and risking the transfer of termites to your house. (Also, you can hear the termites … explode in the fire and it’s very weird.) So, get a rack for your wood (hillbilly style is just stack it between to trees out on the land) and get a cover for your rack. This combo seems like the most highly rated bang for your buck. The rack can also be purchased as just the handles that you screw into opposite sides of a 2×4. Works like a charm. If neither of those work for you, get a pallet from the side of the road and stack your wood on it (avoiding bugs, dirt, and ground water) and for coverage, you could use a tarp and some bungees or rachet straps. (You never don’t need tarps, bungees, and rachet straps once you know how to use them.)

Kindlin’ splitter – Long story short, if you have firewood, splitting some of it into “kindling” sizes well make your fires catch faster and better and usually make the heat go further. You’ll need something to anchor this to, as well as a mallet of some kind to hit the wood through the splitter. DO NOT TRY TO STOMP THE WOOD THROUGH. TRUST ME, OH ANGEL OF ARCHES, DO NOT STOMP.

On the mallet note, it’s good to have a hatchet on hand. Just in general, and especially because any storm that takes out the power may result in needing to cut crap apart. Make fun Xena-throwing-her-chakram noises so it feels less dystopian. Or get into the wild aspects, you do you.

Generators are a totally mixed bag on if you need or want them. But for people on dialysis or who need CPAPs to sleep, power going out is a much more immediate danger. Those of us who can go up to a week with just a few battery recharges (which can usually be accomplished in the car so long as your tank is full) probably don’t need them. But for those who do, here are the options I found. I stuck with solar because the reviews said they large option (also car chargeable with the converter) kept their medical devices working even when the power went out. Here are the versions and attachments that had the highest ratings – and they are NOT cheap. But I think they’re the most reliable option for those who truly, medically need them.

Smaller output- https://amzn.to/3mUn1EZ
Larger output –https://amzn.to/3lKq6rP
Solar pack charger – https://amzn.to/3n0oFou
Car converter – https://amzn.to/3DGCyPF

Battery powered radio – I like a little music in the background even when I’m reading, and cellphone service was NIL during the freeze, making news hard to get. LE STRESS. A simple battery powered radio set to the local FM stations for local news and music (and commercials- patooie!) or AM stations for some crackley classical can be a needed break in the white-out days.

Dog Sweaters – I have one small, fussy dog, and one medium mutt who belives she’s a cattle dog. Tiny Tim has no problem snuggling under the covers under any circumstances, so I didn’t worry as much about her. She’d literally just stay tucked in our sweaters or robes. But Squeaker tried to stay brave and distant. Alas, their regular pajamas were not enough for the mid-sized beastie and by the third night, she shivered hard enough to shake the entire bed. We were able to tuck her reluctantly in with us, but I wanted a better solution. So I looked up some warm under layers (you can search for doggy long johns if these don’t suit you) and these little sweaters, fit under their onsies, should give them more autonomy and comfort in the cold.

Coolers may seem like an odd thing to need in a freeze, but weirdly the fridge inside, when not powered, doesn’t stay cold enough to keep frozen things frozen, and not only is it a bummer to have to get rid expensive defrosted/melty food, but some shit you need to stay actually cold/ frozen (hello certain meds). If your snow stays out of the sun, you can pack some of it in the snow (so long as you get it there before it’s already gross), but if the power stays off after the snow/ice has melted outside, a quality cooler can come in clutch. Here are the various options that were best recommended at various sizes and price points.

Large, unanimously agreed best rated

Medium of the same brand

Food &Wine Rated “Best Value” (which is not THAT much cheaper than some colors in YETI, above)

Best budget-friendly version

Emergency blanket/ponchos – These are not sexy or fun, but when you need one, you need one, and I was raised in a hurricane-magnet swamp (Houston) so I know that when the rain comes down sideways, an umbrella just doesn’t cut it. These have the added benefit of being emergency blankets which aren’t comfy, but do the damn job.

Hand warmers are necessary even with the heat working sometimes. Here’s a set of rechargeable ones (same price as 40 pairs of one-use)
and a multi-pack of the one-use kind (great for travel/ multiple people).

Some of this stuff is rechargable, but a lot of it is purposefully battery-powered for longer stints without power (and remember, electronics get funky in the cold) so here’s a link to a big mulitipack of different sized batteries and here’s a set in rechargeable format that look like what the 80’s thought the future would look like (so maybe the 80’s was correct?).

I keep a couple of Power bricks charged and stored with the candles and flashlights. This one can be solar-repowered. Remember that batteries don’t hold as well during the extreme temps. (And if you listen to things on your phone, make sure to download ahead of time so you’re not using extra battery by streaming you media.)

If you don’t have a fireplace, a propane space heater can be a safe option (probably not with young children or rowdy dogs). Read the stuff. It’s made to be used inside but you’ll need to get the propane separately.

Should you end up having to hike within a reasonable distance/ across reasonable terrain, a sturdy wagon might help to carry goods/kids/dogs. We have several friends within a few miles, which isn’t a SHORT distance but given the resources available, it can be much better to walk few miles to somewhere with heat/water than stick it out at home. Of course if you can drive that’s great. But we live at the bottom of a hill with a pond at the end. Driving was not in our cards. Walking to my mom’s house was!

Battery Powered Lanterns are a low-stress alternative to candles. I love candles (and have some good options below) but I don’t have to worry about anyone knocking them over and setting things aflame.

Any candles are find to use, but so called “emergency candles” will usually keep better in the heat, burn longer, and often take up less space. These
refillable votive options still have an open flame but could be put into a glass jar for safety and save the was mess (i personally LIKE messing with wax. And these are unscented pillar candles for the basic bitch options (bless it).

Merino wool warm socks are just the warmest, comfiest options for keeping feet warm. I can never keep gloves on (or dry) but socks work for me.



Finally, here are some items that are geared toward hot weather/flooding issues: Inflatable raft w paddles, battery powered fans, and good quality paper plates because washing dishes in a disaster is the worst.


Okay my friends, thus concludes the listicle no one asked for but I had to make in order to shut up the “help others!” voice in my head. I love you, I hope this helps, stay bravely safe or safely brave or guatever. Xx.